6/11/15

MR. FLAVER'S BACKYARD

The crippling dilemma of sewer rabbits.  On June 15th, exactly, 1997, four years ago, Mr. Flaver called the police and reported some sewer rabbits.  ABCs! ABCs! ABCs! ABCs!

It doesn't matter, that's not going to help.  We're talking about Mr. Flaver remember?  When the police came to their house, they found a carrot.  Not just any carrot, a neon toxic carrot.  Filled with drinkable sausages, radioactive iodine, and Native American chlorine. Everything about it wasn't bad, except that your insides would get cleaned out.

They immediately brought it to the lab, where Dr. McStuffins operated.  After further investigation, they discovered that these carrots-cheesepuffs-Native American Sausages were just the remnants of Dr. McStuffins lunch.

Now back to the present day.  The sewer rabbits are out of control.  They have built small cults and reside in country-side homes and plan for lizard people to take over the Earth, at least that's what the stars tell them.  They did pay us to put in an advertisement:

CALL 1800SEWERRABBITS! You will pay a down payment of 2 million dollars to go towards weaponry to fight the lizards that plan on destroying the world.

Sometimes my gorilla decides to eat some of my piccolo peppers pokokos, but you know, that's usual.  I eat them for breakfast every morning because they give me a BURST OF ENERGY.  So when he does that I have to take him to the doctor to get them out of him so that I can eat them.

This just in: our intern JT just spit up some carrots so he could eat them.  "OK", he replied to the question of "Baseball".

Now to sports with our new intern JT:
"Hit the ball. Hit, the ball! Hit the BALL! Hit the BALL!"
What happens when someone hits a ball do they get a home run? "Home run yes!

Alright, now it's time for POETRY SMASH:

Poem1:
The water down flows down the stream like pee trickling down my leg.
The moon howls at the flowers when they go: HOOT HOOT, HOOT HOOT

Poem 2:
When my cereal is no longer crunchy, depression grabs hold of my earlobe.
No soggy cereal, no soggy cereal, no soggy cereal
*The sound of window shutters blowing in the wind*

Poem 3:
Clip clop clip, the rip of the paper goes toqwaqwa
And my brother says Ooh la la
The sound of a ruler snapping on my eyelid

Poem 4:
Crunch crunch crunch
OK yes

Yakima, WA

The following special is by our new intern JT, being interviewed by veteran reporter George Washington:

JT: "ABCs! ABCs! Sorry! Cats! Apple Juice!" *Slurping sounds for 2 minutes*

George Washington:  "So JT, what's your favorite kind of apple  juice?

JT:  "(unintelligible) .... dat one!"

GW:  "OK, so who is your best friend?"

JT: "All done! All done!" (Starts spilling juice on table) "ABCs! STOP! Fun, A B Ceees! A B Ceeees! Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse! Yes! Pet, Mickey Mouse.  

GW: "Do you like bananas?"

JT: "Yes! Banas! Yes Banas! Baloo lick it.  Baloo lick it. (JT licks the banana).  Baloo lick it!

GW: "Do you play any sports? Do you play baseball?"
JT: "Baseball? YES! Baseball? YES!"

JT: "Doggy outside! Doggy outside! Doggy outside! Doggy outside! Doggy outside! Doggy outside! Doggy outside! (laughs) Doggy outside! Doggy woof! Doggy outside! Doggy outside!"

JT: "Doggy doggy doggy!"

GW: "Are you going to clean the floors for us?"

JT: "Yes!"

GW: "Well this has been a nice interview."

THE MOON

Publisher Michael Hopscotch

JUST IN - We landed on the moon, it's cold up in here!  Very cold, make sure you buy some fuzzy socks from the moon store.  Anybody can get up in here if you believe in yourself. 

My brother, was a kind, thoughtful, ugly man.  He liked to ride giraffes in the sunset.  Then he died in 1594, that was a sad day.  And I'll never forget him.  Never ever. 

We had his funeral in the Cholula Hot Sauce Factory.  He loves hot sauce, I mean, loved hot sauce.  No, he's not alive, or in my closet like I already said.

*There are muffled thumps from the closet*

SHUT UP!  That was my cat.  He's a little rascal, he he he he he he he. 

Now, I've always dreamed of opening my old shop, called Burgerboy Fatburger Diabetes.  It's a catchy name isn't it?  Everything we make will kill you, I mean, make you live.  Come on down to Burgerboy Fatburger Diabetes.  It will NOT kill you.

And no, I am not a murderer. 

There's a BABY in here!  I like elevators. 

Halleluja! Halleluja!

Beep beep beep beep bip bip

Hurhurhuhhur.  Stop texting me. Okaaay! So. Sometimes people like to sniff pineapples, but then AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.  I miss you a lot, like a lot! Awwwww, tykes. Um um, so just in breaking news:  My cat got super powers.  Now it can lift up blueberries.  So strong! Are my pants inside out? Um, I don’t know. Stop it! I need to think! 

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (as a bee goes on my eye).  David, what you doing? Me tooooO! As a bee goes on my eye (hahaha).  I don’t even rememver this, how did we get this candle thing? This thing is ginormous and such a waste of space.

It’s time for sing song time, with your host: FlubbyJubby Jr! 

Hey, my name is Jill, and I work at the button factory.
The other day, my boss said Hey!  Are you busy? And I said no.
Then move the button with your right arm!

Hey, my name is Jill, and I work at the button factory.
The other day, my boss said Hey! Are you busy? And I said No!
Then move the button with your left arm!

Hey, my name is Jill, and I work at the button factory.
The other day, my boss said Hey! Are you busy? And I said No!
Then move the button with your right leg!

Hey, my name is Jill, and I work at the button factory.
The other day, my boss said Hey! Are you busy? And I said No!
Then move the button with your left leg!

Hey, my name is Jill, and I work at the button factory.
The other day, my boss said Hey! Are you busy? And I said No!
Then move the button with your head!

Hey, my name is Jill, and I work at the button factory.
The other day, my boss said Hey! Are you busy? And I said No!
Then move the button with. Alright sorry, beep beep beep bip bip beep.

MASACHUSETTS, OH-Sometimes I just think about whales, and every time I do, I think about whales that poop their pants.  I just looked on the calendar and saw that it is May 31, 2032.  Every time I look at that calendar I think about whales, because my calendar is whale themed.  And, everytime I think about whales I think about the president or the mayor.  And I remember, his, awesome words, REMEMBER TO WASH YOUR TOES!

And everytime I think about washing my toes I think about the little people that live in my toes. Ahhh, let’s change the subject.  How yo doin, how ya doin?  How. Ya. Doing?  Nobody is answering.  WHO’S PLAYING CROSSING ROADS????! MAX!!

The hippopotamus, likes, to, eat my bacon. 
My bacon, my bacon, my bacon.
So good, so good, so gooooooooddd!

The last time the mayor spoke it was about poetry.  This time it is about bomb poetry.  Take your bombs with you and you have to say your poetry fast before the bomb explodes.  We have the contestants, here they are:

1.       Creepy Horse Dude with a Baby on His Stomach (and not inside, on it!)

2.       Poopy-Face McGee (Jr)

3.       The Potato Man David

4.       Shark Table

5.       Not Bob

6.       Tubing Sunflower

7.       Inulin the White Knight of Diabetic Whales

8.       AHAAAHAHAHHAHAHA … Pft

9.       OKTHATSALL

So, I hope you come tonight because everything is going to blow up and you’ll die.  Some encouraging words from your mayor:  I KNOW I SAID TO WASH YOUR TOES, BUT, ALSO WASH YOUR FINGERS BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S ON THERE.  AND WASH YOUR TOES, AND YOUR HAIR.  TAKE A BATH SOMETIME AND EAT SOME BABY HANDS.

Speaking of baby hands, we have a baby hands eating contest.  If your bring something else other than baby hands they will kick you out with a poetry bomb.

i see a baby neeeer hld on baby waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i did not leave you silly kiss kiss kis i had to move the sun show me you walking yucky yucky that is pretty much ssaid ever since i learned engish in the eith grage.

Ruba dub a dub a dub.

The snow looks kind of weird down here.  Rug bug tug lug mug.  Sometimes people just don't know how people don't know stuff, you know?  Just remember that you can never be like Winnie the Pooh.  Only Winnie the Pooh can be like Tigger.  Which is a totally different thing in the world of Minecraft, because, you know. /

Baby food is very good for the intestines, I know because I've ate it before.  I know because it makes bubbles and the cats are waiting for.  ...... your intestines.  Don't eat that flower baby, don't eat that flower. 

My sister once told me that frog legs were actually your eyeballs in another parallel universe.  But she's wrong, their actually giraffe horns.  Don't EAT that FLOWER, baby!

I don't know, I'll make something else up.  My brother and my grand-parallelogram gran sibling can eat 12 hotdogs in 40 hours.  Don't eat that flower BABY!

One time my uncle had to go the hospital for no apparenent hospital! DON'T DIE ON ME CHILD!

SOUTH CAROLINA

Just in. 

"I was just walking inside and I saw something different" said Amelia Poopy. "I saw my cat doing yoga while knitting some panty-hos.  Then I got a call from the mayor who said 'Remember to wash your toes!'". 

A baby started yelling at the news reporter as he was typing this.  He is dancing, a beautiful baby dance.  Call the cops because baby dancing is illegal to two states, and this ain't one of them partner. 

The baby was dancing so hard that pee was dripping out of his diaper.  Droplets splattered on the ground.

Peanut Butter Nuggets With a Baseball Bat and Take Me Out to the Ball Game and I Will Always Love YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!