PHILADELPHIA

One time a lion told me that penguins eat socks. So that means we are Christmas meat.  Dish soap kills your brain cell, and if a monkey watches you in your sleep always eat my bologna.  Sometimes gorillas play golf but sometimes they get it stuck in their noses.  The pioneers go washing their Christmas trees in the lake of secret .... ness.  Never eat apple products.  Whenever you see a kitty, eat it.  Make a robot and then play football with a penguin.  Hide in a Christmas cradle while you sip on your killing knife.  Never be a doctor because you eat your blood.  Ninety nine nine nine is a cursing number.  Darth Vader sometimes can eat bologna but only at a picnic.  Only go in the shame corner if you have a mustache.  I never watch Teletubbies, you WILL BE SCARRED!

-This advice brought to you by our intrepid reporter Tycho Brahe