PORTLAND, OR

Police are saying that they have a new lead in the crime story of the month here in this sleepy Northwest town.  Put down your nutlet's children, lest you drop gravy on your chinos.  We interviewed Curate Manchunger:

"Billy Thomas, you jerk.  You knew I left my platinum dipped ducksauce tongs outside by the back steps and you stole them from me.  Well the joke is on you, because they were actually the knuckles of a Rubic's Cube."

Attempts to confirm the theft were not met with much success. It took this reporter 20 minutes of vigorous visual inspection of the police chief before we realized that it was just a propped up mop with a badge duck taped to it.  This is because my eyes are made of jelly and are slowly dripping, dripping over years.

CANT GET OUT HELP HELP HELP!  MY UNDERWATER SPEAKERS ARE OIL FILLED!